*I want this blog to inspire people and help people. Sometimes it helps if you know people are feeling the same way you do. I know I have read posts like this on other blogs and it really helped me. So maybe this will help someone out there. Its okay if you don't want to read this, I don't try and push my religion and faith in other people's faces. So you can read this if you'd like, and if not that's okay too :) But if this helps just one person, then that is amazing. Even just writing this down for myself is helping me let it all out, so I guess its win win.*
This time last year I thought things were going great on the God front. I mean, I actually felt like I could call myself a Christian. But right now, and if I'm being honest here, for quite a while, I feel like I can't. I don't really know who I am anymore. I read my devotional at night, but that's it. I don't go to church, I don't have anyone I can talk to about God or faith, and I don't read the Bible half as often as I should. I questioned God so much in the last half of 2010. I was so angry at Him, at myself, at the world. I was struggling with the big taboo topic that is so hushed up in Christianity, the one that no-one dare speak about because its such forbidden fruit. Of course I am talking about sex. Everywhere around us, TV, magazines, books, the internet. It's hard to ignore. And I was so angry, and I started to question myself, and God. I was so ashamed and angry at myself for even thinking these things. A good, innocent christian girl shouldn't be thinking about sex all the time! I felt terrible and guilty for even allowing these thoughts to get in my head.
On the outside, no one knew any better. I was still keeping up this 'image' of being a christian, and how life was so good and I didn't have any worries in the world. But inside, I was battling an internal struggle between my mind and my heart. The biggest struggle I have ever had with my faith to this day. The thing that set it all off, was boy attention. It's inevitable really, for any girl. But the thing that made me feel so angry was because I was eighteen years old. Everyone around me (I don't have any close Christian friends) were off partying and drinking and having fun. I felt so restricted, Why couldn't I go out, get drunk, kiss a guy because I felt like it? I felt like an eighty year old. All these lustful thoughts, making me feel so guilty knowing I shouldn't even be thinking these things and then arguing with myself because I felt like I was missing out on so much. I heard phrases like ' Experiment - it won't harm you' and 'You don't have to be faithful, not while you're young.' I struggled with the fact I accepted Christ in to my life at such a young age. What if I could have just waited a few years, had some fun first and then realised what life was all about? I laugh at that now, but at the time, I used to wonder what it would be like if I wasn't a christian, and all the things I could do and not feel guilty even thinking about.
I felt jealous of other peoples independence. I was having to be the good girl, feeling ashamed for having these feelings. Hiding my thoughts from God, from everyone. I turned my anger away from myself and on to the one person who truly knew what I was going through. God was the reason why I was so angry at myself, angry at the world around me. Why couldn't things be easy? I always knew that sex would come up in my life sometime. But they made it sound so easy, to just say no. I naively believed them of course. But it wasn't easy, and I struggled with it for a long time. I still struggle with it now. I'm not completely over it. I'm certainly not feeling confident with my faith yet. But I'm trying to work on it. I got rid of the things in my life that caused me to question things (certain boys) and I read things that helped. Of course this is something that will come up time and time again. But tests of faith are always good because once you're through it, you come out much stronger.
I wrote a page in my journal about this in September. I have it paper-clipped up, and I wouldn't want anyone to read it. It makes me laugh that I am about to publish this online. But I truly believe that it really does help if you know someone who has felt the way you do. You can chat to me if you want to talk, you can tweet me, pop me an email or a comment and I will be happy to talk to you or just be there to listen and understand what you feel. I'm no expert. I certainly haven't figured things out yet. But I'm working on it.
If you read this far, you are a saint, and I appreciate it so so much. <3