Monday, 17 January 2011

Deep in thought

*I want this blog to inspire people and help people. Sometimes it helps if you know people are feeling the same way you do. I know I have read posts like this on other blogs and it really helped me. So maybe this will help someone out there.  Its okay if you don't want to read this, I don't try and push my religion and faith in other people's faces. So you can read this if you'd like, and if not that's okay too :) But if this helps just one person, then that is amazing. Even just writing this down for myself is helping me let it all out, so I guess its win win.*


This time last year I thought things were going great on the God front. I mean, I actually felt like I could call myself a Christian. But right now, and if I'm being honest here, for quite a while, I feel like I can't. I don't really know who I am anymore. I read my devotional at night, but that's it. I don't go to church, I don't have anyone I can talk to about God or faith, and I don't read the Bible half as often as I should. I questioned God so much in the last half of 2010. I was so angry at Him, at myself, at the world. I was struggling with the big taboo topic that is so hushed up in Christianity, the one that no-one dare speak about because its such forbidden fruit. Of course I am talking about sex. Everywhere around us, TV, magazines, books, the internet. It's hard to ignore. And I was so angry, and I started to question myself, and God. I was so ashamed and angry at myself for even thinking these things. A good, innocent christian girl shouldn't be thinking about sex all the time! I felt terrible and guilty for even allowing these thoughts to get in my head.

On the outside, no one knew any better. I was still keeping up this 'image' of being a christian, and how life was so good and I didn't have any worries in the world. But inside, I was battling an internal struggle between my mind and my heart. The biggest struggle I have ever had with my faith to this day. The thing that set it all off, was boy attention. It's inevitable really, for any girl. But the thing that made me feel so angry was because I was eighteen years old. Everyone around me (I don't have any close Christian friends) were off partying and drinking and having fun. I felt so restricted, Why couldn't I go out, get drunk, kiss a guy because I felt like it? I felt like an eighty year old. All these lustful thoughts, making me feel so guilty knowing I shouldn't even be thinking these things and then arguing with myself because I felt like I was missing out on so much. I heard phrases like ' Experiment - it won't harm you' and 'You don't have to be faithful, not while you're young.' I struggled with the fact I accepted Christ in to my life at such a young age. What if I could have just waited a few years, had some fun first and then realised what life was all about? I laugh at that now, but at the time, I used to wonder what it would be like if I wasn't a christian, and all the things I could do and not feel guilty even thinking about.

I felt jealous of other peoples independence. I was having to be the good girl, feeling ashamed for having these feelings. Hiding my thoughts from God, from everyone. I turned my anger away from myself and on to the one person who truly knew what I was going through. God was the reason why I was so angry at myself, angry at the world around me. Why couldn't things be easy? I always knew that sex would come up in my life sometime. But they made it sound so easy, to just say no. I naively believed them of course. But it wasn't easy, and I struggled with it for a long time. I still struggle with it now. I'm not completely over it. I'm certainly not feeling confident with my faith yet. But I'm trying to work on it. I got rid of the things in my life that caused me to question things (certain boys) and I read things that helped. Of course this is something that will come up time and time again. But tests of faith are always good because once you're through it, you come out much stronger.

I wrote a page in my journal about this in September. I have it paper-clipped up, and I wouldn't want anyone to read it. It makes me laugh that I am about to publish this online. But I truly believe that it really does help if you know someone who has felt the way you do. You can chat to me if you want to talk, you can tweet me, pop me an email or a comment and I will be happy to talk to you or just be there to listen and understand what you feel. I'm no expert. I certainly haven't figured things out yet. But I'm working on it.
If you read this far, you are a saint, and I appreciate it so so much. <3
Katie xoxo

8 comments

  1. The fact that I inspired you to open up like this makes me both elated and overwhelmed. Thank You for your amazing comment. Our family have always been spiritual but we have never gone to church every Sunday or prayed everyday, maybe that's why we've had so much bad luck, I don't know. This may be controversial, but I couldn't do what you are doing, I don't think we should have to restrict ourselves from feelings and emotions just because it's not in the Bible. God loves everyone, atleast that's what I believe, I have to, because my family aren't strict Christians, and the ones that have passed weren't, so where have they gone? To hell? I don't believe that, I really don't, because they were amazing, thoughtful, beautiful people. You have your faith, but he will still love you if you don't follow such strict, aging guidelines. Where is the proof that he wont? Such a tricky subject xxxxx

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  2. Thank you for commenting back and reading Gem :)
    It really is a tricky subject, perhaps that is why so many Christians push it into the corner and won't speak about it? I agree, God does love everyone and considering almost all of my friends and family aren't Christians, I can't face the fact that the Bible says they are going to hell. How are you even meant to comprehend something like that? I means, its their choice, it doesn't make them horrible people, not even a little bit. There are so many questions, and I don't think we'll ever know the answers. But even saying that doesn't really help at all! xxx

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  3. The Bible says a lot of things that are problematic from a modern perspective (like condoning slavery). The Bible says a lot of contradictory things. I think people are too eager to interpret the Bible literally. It is a religious document, maybe even a mythology. I don't think it does any good to interpret it literally. Instead, I think it's best to take away the messages that seem to flow throughout. Those principles of forgiveness, of charity, of prudence, and of faith can help us suffer less. I think religion should decrease suffering, not increase it. Does that make sense? If Jesus loves you and God loves you, I can hardly believe that they wouldn't want you to be who you are. And most humans are sexual. They have always been so, and will continue to be. There is nothing wrong with having sexual feelings, making out, or even having sex with another person. It's part of self-expression. You aren't hurting anyone. You aren't making anyone suffer. Having consensual, protected sex is not dangerous or wrong. Trying not to feel the things you feel will only make you emotionally vulnerable, confused, angry, and self-hating. You have to forgive yourself, accept yourself, and love yourself.

    You're really brave to bring this up :)

    xoxo

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  4. Sophi - Thank you so much for your comment :)
    I completely understand your views, it's so difficult to interpret because it's so old and things have changed since then, whereas the Bible hasn't! xxx

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  5. WOW this is a really brave post.
    I was brought up in quite a strict christian family. I grew up believing I was one as I knew nothing else, I was very sheltered until about the age of 14 when I guess I realised faith is a choice. I think thats the problem with being heavily involved in church etc at such a young age. You dont know whether this is just something you do or something you actually believe in. Now I admit, I am not a christian. But I still live by certain things that I learnt growing up,to try to be as good a person as I can. My issue really lies with the church. I have witnessed a lot of hypocrisy which spurred my rebellion from it all. My parents (tho now separated) are still christians and my dad often says that faith is about your relationship with God rather than about following rules and guidelines. Its a one-to-one thing.
    I dont even know why I commented here, I guess I just related to you being exposed to faith at a young age.
    Do what makes you happy. x

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  6. Ash - Thank you so much for commenting :) I know exactly what you mean, being brought up going to church, you don't really have a choice. I know my brothers and sisters did the same as you, and realised they didn't have to do it. And I'm not saying I have to either, I guess it just appealed to me more. And I don't go to church anymore because of the people so I 100% understand what you mean about the hypocrisy. Your Dad's opinion is very true, and it certainly makes me think about my choices some more. I want to thank you again for commenting, it's good to get another perspective, so thank you. xoxo

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  7. No worries, as an interesting topic! 2 of my friends are christians and they often struggle with the commitment so I've had a few discussions with them about similar things.
    Its one of those things that simply takes time to figure out isnt it?! Just dont rush yourself!
    On a seperate note, love your blog, the design is gorgeous!
    x

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  8. Yes absolutely! I think it will take a while to figure out what I want and how I feel.
    And thankyou so much! :) xoxo

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