I feel like I’ve been absent for 2016, so far. I know that’s a weird thing to say, but I honestly believe I haven’t been ‘all there’, in a mental sense. You know you have days sometimes where you just float around and you do the things you’re meant to do but your mind isn’t in it? ‘How can I live a life if my hearts not in it’ has been bouncing around in my head (thanks Oasis), and I’ve struggled with that a lot this year so far. I’m not saying that we’ve got six months through the year and things are cured and I am better now. But there are things that have changed and I’m hoping this will allow me to start again. It doesn’t mean there’s been a monumental, life-changing event. but sometimes one change is enough to shift your perspective.
I know this is all very cryptic, but remember when I wrote this post back in December about not knowing what to share on the blog? My creativity faded away and my inspiration was zapped. I’ve literally been a walking zombie since about November. With that, this space has been neglected. I haven’t shared anything on my blog, let alone felt the confusion between what to share. Most of the time I haven’t felt like I’ve missed it. That’s not to say I don’t, or haven’t ever, enjoyed blogging – quite the opposite. Sometimes, I suppose, you just need a break. I felt obliged to post but I know it’s been sporadic and it’s pretty clear that my hearts not been in it. I’ve had this blog for six years now and it’s been a huge factor of my life. This (whatever ‘this’ is) didn’t need an acknowledgement, I guess, but I feel like I owed it. This year I’ve asked myself ‘What’s the point?’ far too much. I questioned everything. Creativity, blogging, writing, existing. If you’re going through this right now, here’s a quote that helped me (because I know it’s a lonely feeling and the whole weight of the world feels like it’s solely on you) – ‘You have to do this on your own, but you are not alone'.
I don’t want this post to be all doom and gloom. I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t feel better. I have a clearer mind today, and maybe I will have a clearer mind tomorrow, or maybe I won’t. Take each day as it comes, as they say.
My lovely friend Debbie shared a video with me last week (here’s a link), and it’s about holding a cup. How you can hold a cup full of water, and that doesn’t change, but the longer you hold it, the heavier it feels. And it’s true. The longer I held, the heavier it felt - the heavier I felt. I feel like I’ve managed to put the glass down for a brief moment. I’ve emptied some of it out to another glass now. I’ll still be holding on to it, and maybe it will refill and we’ll be back here again. But it feels manageable, for now, at least.
Thank you, lovely readers, for sticking around. The friendship and support I’ve had from family, friends in real life and friends on Twitter has been insurmountable, and I am so grateful. If you’re struggling, reach out. It feels impossible until you do it. Sometimes the internet is horrible, and mean, and scary. But if you look in the right places, there are people there to help, and you’ll feel supported and less alone.
Here’s a link to the wonderful people at Mind, and the Samaritans. If you feel like getting lost in a book that makes your head nod constantly and find someone who really, really gets it, have a read of ‘Reasons to Stay Alive’ by Matt Haig. Or, simply send me a tweet or email, and I’ll listen.
Here’s to tomorrow.